Listless Christmas

Man The Thinker

Today started as any other. I drove into center city, parked in a free space then rode my bike to work. We had pizza for lunch, which I most enjoyed. Then I returned to my desk to work on nothing in particular, when one of my supervisors asked me to undertake a new project.
“Calvin,” He called brightly. “Are you handy?” For women reading this blog, asking a man “are you handy” is what is called, in a man’s world, “A Manhood Question”, for which the only correct answer is “yes”. So ladies when you ask your male counterparts questions such as, “Are you handy? Are you good with cars? Do you know how to fix this?” Please be aware that we are genetically destined to answer all these questions with a confident “yes” and do not be disturbed if you find that it was a bold face lie. We are not trying to be deceiving, but we simply are chemically programmed to be dishonest with out fail on certain matters. With that being explained, you know my response to the afore mentioned question, “Yes!”
“Good!” He responded. “We’re going to mount the plasma screen on the wall in the conference room. Can you go down stairs and get the drill.” I luckily am coupled with a very intelligent woman who, like most females, has done an exceptional job retraining and undoing some of my more annoying attributes and collaborating my judgment-meter. These simply diagnostic tweaks have helped me distinguish between an undertaken that I can accomplish and one that could take my life. While fetching the drill my judgment-meter was signaling “LIFE THREATENING EVENT!” Now I would like to mention that I am handy. I am adept at fixing certain items, but I, and everyone else in the office where I work are more adept at creative thinking. Any one of the seven males who work in the office could have invented the wall-mounting bracket, but none of us should be relied upon to execute its installation.
I tried to dissuade my supervisor as tactfully and politely as I could by stating, “I don’t think we should do this?” And upon making this statement I came upon a revelation! These tasks that we men try to accomplish, without the slightest bit of training, education or experience on the subject are all tests for ourselves, one more obstacle we can proclaim conquered, but we also know we put our lives in peril in our attempts. Deep down we don’t won’t to do these things. We want to watch TV. Leave our socks where they fall off of our feet. Use The Force to take the trash out, but we must prove that we are men, thus we must invent challenges. I also realized that when men announce they are about to embark on an undertaking, “I’m going to clean the garage! I am going to clean the roof! I’m going to fix the car!” We, and those around us know that more than likely will fail or leave the work unfinished. We are not making an announcement, but a veiled cry for help. “I’m going to clean the roof… someone stop me, please!”
Luckily another gentleman in the office pointed out the insurance liability if a TV, a TV and wall-mount, or a TV, a wall-mount and a wall fell on us. Thus the endeavor was thwarted, and two male lives extended to think of other perilous tasks for another day.

In The Beginning

Congratulations and welcome! You have weaved and wobbled through all the portals and strands of electronic code, HTML bundles, many a web pages, not to mention avoiding or dispatch advertisements, some that roam around the screen like unwanted bugs, and found yourself at one of the few places on the internet you’re guaranteed a good laugh. “Everything Starts With a Good Story”. On this blog you will find tales about simple every day things, but told from a perspective of an individual who appreciates how mind numbingly ridiculous men can be, how intractably complicated a female’s mind is, and the general riveting strangeness of the world that surround us. Perhaps you’ve had, a not so good day. Perhaps you closed your fridge to find a soda can caught on the hinge and exploded with violence and suddenness you never thought possible from a canned beverage (happened to me last Tuesday at work). Whatever journey has brought you here I am happy you came and hopefully you find a reason within the words you read once a week to continue. The first entry is above. Enjoy.